George Carlin deconstructs 'The Modern Man' in this cliche' and platitude laden recital. The transcript of this bit of his monologue is right below the video - say it along with Carlin, and have fun.
"I am a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect. I've been uplinked and downloaded, i've been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I am a high-tech lowlife. A cutting edge state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker, and i can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.
I'm new wave, but I'm old school, and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer, voice activated and biodegradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive, and from time to time I'm radioactive.
Behind the eight ball ahead of the curve riding the wave dodging the bullet pushing the envelope. I’m on-point on-task on-message, and off drugs. I’ve got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top and under the radar. A high concept, low profile, medium range ballistic missionary. A street wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, and run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing big foot, slam dunk, rainmaker with a pro active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rage-a-holic. Out of rehab, and in denial.
I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up, you can’t dumb me down, 'cos I’m tireless and I’m wireless. I’m an alpha male on beta-blockers.
I’m a non believer and an over achiever, laid back but fashion forward. Up front down home low rent high maintenance. Super sized long lasting high definition fast acting oven ready and built to last. I’m a hands on foot loose knee jerk head case. Pre-maturely post-traumatic, and I have a love child that sends me hate mail.
But I’m feeling I’m caring I’m healing I’m sharing. A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports. I’m gender specific capital intensive user friendly, and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the F-word in my emails and the software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn.
I bought a microwave at a mini mall; I bought a mini van at a mega store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll free bite sized ready to wear, and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-washed pre-cooked pre-heated pre-screened pre-approved pre-packaged postdated freeze dried double wrapped vacuum packed, and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked locked and ready to rock. Rough tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I got glide in my stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, wailing and winning. I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hardy, and lunch time is crunch time. I’m hanging in, there ain’t no doubt, and I’m hanging tough, over and out."
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